Avoid the phrase On the other hand. Use something different like however.Use the correct form of words. In the third sentence of the second paragraph you use know when it should be no. I think you need more evidence to support your topic of the essay but good form.
- I think you are talking about how European and America worked on foreign policy in Africa, but actually America did not take over Africa, it controlled Latin America and the Philippines. So you need to write the essay how European’s foreign policy worked in Africa and America’s foreign policy worked in Latin America and the Philippines (The essay topic is “Compare and Contrast European foreign policy in Africa and American foreign policy in Latin America and the Philippines.”)
First paragraph add a time and place for your opening sentence. Also get more detailed on what your sub-topics are.
In the second paragraph, second sentence change the word military to navy because that's what it was called.
The last sentence in the second paragraph should be changed. Instead of, "Europeans searched for gold, diamonds, and they wanted to bring christianity into civilization." Change to, "Europeans searched for gold, and diamonds. They also wanted to bring christianity into civilization." Then it becomes less wordy.
Your introduction is too brief. Add specific details. For instance, who did not agree with the US and European foreign policy?
Your second sentence in your second paragraph does seem to fit with the flow of the paragraph. Your talking more about Africa and Europe.
Your essay has good main ideas. You just need to support them with more detail. If you do you will have a strong paper! Overall your grammar is excellent good job!
The first sentence of your introduction was very attention grabbing.
Do not use: some, both, and many.
You used was and were in your last paragraph.
In your third paragraph, third sentence, you said, "...Europeans seemed to not care." What gave you that impression? What did they do to the Africans that showed how little respect they had for them and their culture?
You repeated: "forgein policies only benefited the U.S. and Europe" four times in your essay, but just worded it differently.
You said that the "imperialists did not feel" and "imperialists felt." You did not know how they felt, so reword that sentence.
You had a good essay, however, your ending was incrediably weak, especially your last sentence.
Your second sentence in the second paragraph is worded funny. Also your thesis statement is not clear. Try not to use the word they and things a lot. Use full names, and explain in details of what your talking about it makes your essay longer and sound better. You have strong ideas, and your grammar is good. Just add more details to your body paragraph and work on your intro.
The biggest improvement that you need to do is expand your paper. It's too short. On your second and last paragraph, you have only two sentences. The requirement is 8-12 sentences. Be careful not to use passive voice.
You managed to follow the "hamburger rules". However there are few changes you need to make. First, you have to be careful on using passive voice and be more specific when you say "them" or "they". Avoid using pronouns. Last, you spelled "first" wrong in the beginning of your second paragraph.
Use more punctuation in your essays. I find it hard to read and stay focused when reading your essay. Other then that pretty descriptive essay. I felt as if you repeated alot of stuff. Watch out for that
Great Essay! However try to talk about how Europe and the United States were able to take over other countries. Talk about how they treated the natives of these countries.
Peer Edit for Daniel F. You started off with a great introduction. Avoid using passive voice, and also avoid using words like would and some. Your sentence structure is good and your paragraphs have great detail and nice body to them.Just try not to repeat yourself in different ways,stick to saying it once. Overall the essay is looking good.
Peer Edit For Jose. You need paragraphs for an essay. You need alot more information. You need a stronger more clear thesis. Dont Use "I" Watch out for passive voice You need an introduction and a conclusion.
Peer Edit For Christine. Watch passive voice. Be more specific. Explain things in greater detail. Check to see if tended is an actual word. You might want to have a stronger conclusion.
First off the essay is way to short! If you add on to it it can be much better. You use they to much, try to explain who you are actually talking about.
Its a shopping list, so break it up and change up how you talk about the Europeans but if you fix these mistakes it will be a great paper!
For the Europeans you only mention the French, I think that your paper could be even better if you mention a few other European nations that are in Africa You have a bit of confusion, both the Europeans and the Americans are Imperial at the time you also gave action to an idea, pateralism in the first paragraph
maya paper
ReplyDeletefrom joanna
in first paragraph instead of Americans place it with America.
make you thesis and your conclusion better. give a little more details in your paper and have examples why they are similar and different.
Avoid the phrase On the other hand. Use something different like however.Use the correct form of words. In the third sentence of the second paragraph you use know when it should be no. I think you need more evidence to support your topic of the essay but good form.
ReplyDeleteJoshua’s Essay
ReplyDelete- Do not use "Passive Voice" and "Be verb," which are is, are, am, was, and were.
- For Second Paragraph, you need to add more evidence (Be specific)
- For Third Paragraph, put the words, ”Indirect Control” and “Direct Control” on the second and third sentence, so those look more clear.
- You don’t have a conclusion, so add it.
peer edit for Jose
ReplyDeleteUse paragraphs. Don't use things in your third sentence. You also have some passive voice.
Nastasia’s Essay
ReplyDelete- Avoid using “Be verb,” “Would,” and “This”
- I think you are talking about how European and America worked on foreign policy in Africa, but actually America did not take over Africa, it controlled Latin America and the Philippines. So you need to write the essay how European’s foreign policy worked in Africa and America’s foreign policy worked in Latin America and the Philippines (The essay topic is “Compare and Contrast European foreign policy in Africa and American foreign policy in Latin America and the Philippines.”)
peer edit Ashley R
ReplyDeleteYou use some passive voice. You need to change the second sentence in your third paragraph.
avoid passive voice
ReplyDeletetypo in the first paragraph, first sentence- first
2nd paragraph- 4th sentence- Europe took over africa because of the abundance of gold and diamonds
2nd paragraph-6th sentence- machine gun
Peer edit for Jessenia
ReplyDeleteGood essay everyting was on topic good job but just watch out for passive voice
Peer edit for Tim Carroll
Good essay u talked about the right topics and i couldnt find passive voice so good job
Ana Arenas : Peer Edit
ReplyDeleteEither you did not explain your thesis clearly or you do not have one.
You used a generalization in your first paragraph, first sentence by saying, "not everyone agrees with it."
You used a ton of passive voice. Mainly: was, were and is.
You also do not define what countries you are speaking about. Use the name of the countries instead of "some."
In your essay, you wrote like you were talking. Be more formal.
Peer Edit: Peter Panczyskzn
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph add a time and place for your opening sentence. Also get more detailed on what your sub-topics are.
In the second paragraph, second sentence change the word military to navy because that's what it was called.
The last sentence in the second paragraph should be changed.
Instead of, "Europeans searched for gold, diamonds, and they wanted to bring christianity into civilization."
Change to, "Europeans searched for gold, and diamonds. They also wanted to bring christianity into civilization." Then it becomes less wordy.
Other then what i stated, great job!
Peer edit for Ana
ReplyDeleteYour introduction is too brief. Add specific details. For instance, who did not agree with the US and European foreign policy?
Your second sentence in your second paragraph does seem to fit with the flow of the paragraph. Your talking more about Africa and Europe.
Your essay has good main ideas. You just need to support them with more detail. If you do you will have a strong paper! Overall your grammar is excellent good job!
Daniel Franco : Peer Edit
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence of your introduction was very attention grabbing.
Do not use: some, both, and many.
You used was and were in your last paragraph.
In your third paragraph, third sentence, you said, "...Europeans seemed to not care." What gave you that impression? What did they do to the Africans that showed how little respect they had for them and their culture?
You repeated: "forgein policies only benefited the U.S. and Europe" four times in your essay, but just worded it differently.
You said that the "imperialists did not feel" and "imperialists felt." You did not know how they felt, so reword that sentence.
You had a good essay, however, your ending was incrediably weak, especially your last sentence.
Peer Edit: SoJung Lee
ReplyDeleteFirst paragrapgh:
First sentence change "the" to "their"
Fourth sentence is a run on, shorten or divide it. Also take out the word "with."
Second paragraph:
Take out the word "over" in the first sentence.
Very long pragrapgh, you can divide it when you begin with a new idea.
Great essay, very good detail. Just becarful with run ons and wordiness.
Peer edit for Izzy
ReplyDeleteYour second sentence in the second paragraph is worded funny. Also your thesis statement is not clear. Try not to use the word they and things a lot. Use full names, and explain in details of what your talking about it makes your essay longer and sound better. You have strong ideas, and your grammar is good. Just add more details to your body paragraph and work on your intro.
Martell
ReplyDeleteThe biggest improvement that you need to do is expand your paper. It's too short. On your second and last paragraph, you have only two sentences. The requirement is 8-12 sentences. Be careful not to use passive voice.
Alexis
ReplyDeleteYou managed to follow the "hamburger rules". However there are few changes you need to make. First, you have to be careful on using passive voice and be more specific when you say "them" or "they". Avoid using pronouns. Last, you spelled "first" wrong in the beginning of your second paragraph.
For Joanna:
ReplyDeleteYou need alot more reasons. Talk about what kind of government the US and Europeans used. They both didnt use direct.
I get confused reading the essay becuase it looks like you forgot words.
Lequietta:
ReplyDeleteYou use "they" too much.
Talk about their governments and what the both countries did to the natives. It needs to be longer
alex c:
ReplyDeletetake out somewhat the same. use a different term that sounds better.
never write a paper with " I agree.." instead take "I agree" and reword your sentence.
Other than that good essay
Alfonso's Essay
ReplyDeleteUse more punctuation in your essays. I find it hard to read and stay focused when reading your essay. Other then that pretty descriptive essay. I felt as if you repeated alot of stuff. Watch out for that
peer edit for Peter P.
ReplyDeleteparagraph 4 sentence 1
explain how cultural superiority became a major issue between the U.S. and the Europeans.
Paragraph 4 sentence 2
Change county to "country"
Paragraph 4 sentence 4
Change were to "where"
Great thesis. Expand more on your first paragrapj
Peer Edit for Sojung L.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 1 sentence 1
Explain what nations began fighting for expanding and building their empires.
Paragraph 1 sentence 3
Change africa continent to "the continent of africa"
Paragraph 2 sentence 3
Change the to "their"
You have some grammar mistakes. read your paper before actually printing it out.Expand on your conclusion.
Peer Edit for Kevin A.
ReplyDeleteGreat Essay!
However try to talk about how Europe and the United States were able to take over other countries. Talk about how they treated the natives of these countries.
Alfonso M
ReplyDelete-There is no thesis statement
-Your thesis should have three ideas in one sentence
-The three ideas are the topics for the body paragraphs.
-The body paragraphs are good, just no thesis
- Use the main idea of each body paragraph for the thesis
Stasia
ReplyDelete-First line, was, passive voice
-Your thesis is great and well thought of
-This is a good essay and your thesis and body paragraphs go together
-Just watch out for passive voice
Peer Edit for Andrew P.
ReplyDeleteNice well written essay!
Just make sure you change some of the passive voice and also try to expand your details.
Peer Edit for Daniel F.
ReplyDeleteYou started off with a great introduction. Avoid using passive voice, and also avoid using words like would and some. Your sentence structure is good and your paragraphs have great detail and nice body to them.Just try not to repeat yourself in different ways,stick to saying it once. Overall the essay is looking good.
Peer Edit For Ashley H
ReplyDeleteMake The opening and conclusion a little stronger
Watch passive voice
Make reason a little bolder
Peer Edit For Jose.
ReplyDeleteYou need paragraphs for an essay.
You need alot more information.
You need a stronger more clear thesis.
Dont Use "I"
Watch out for passive voice
You need an introduction and a conclusion.
Peer Edit For Christine.
ReplyDeleteWatch passive voice.
Be more specific. Explain things in greater detail.
Check to see if tended is an actual word.
You might want to have a stronger conclusion.
Peer edit for Lequietta
ReplyDeleteFirst off the essay is way to short! If you add on to it it can be much better. You use they to much, try to explain who you are actually talking about.
Its a shopping list, so break it up and change up how you talk about the Europeans but if you fix these mistakes it will be a great paper!
Peer edit for Maya
ReplyDeleteFor the Europeans you only mention the French, I think that your paper could be even better if you mention a few other European nations that are in Africa
You have a bit of confusion, both the Europeans and the Americans are Imperial at the time
you also gave action to an idea, pateralism in the first paragraph
Peer edit for Alex W.
ReplyDeleteUsed "things" which should never be used in the essay so just describe the "things' or use a different word.
Had two speeling errors but nothing major.
Used passive voice like had and were.
But the essay was good and had great information and the paper really flowed through out. Great Job!
Peer edit for Joanna
ReplyDeleteYou need a thesis and make it strong.
Used passive voice like had and is.
Provide more information on the foreign policy and how are they similar or different.
You need to form a conclusion and the essay is way to short.
Peer edit: Jose
ReplyDeleteCheck the first sentence, it is a little confusing.
Use more evidence to support ideas.
Peer Edit: Tim C.
ReplyDeleteIt gets boring hearing Both the United States and Europe over and over.
You could use more evidence in the third paragraph.
Peer edit for Christine
ReplyDelete-First paragraph reword last sentence. Its a little confusing.
-Didn't finish last sentence in second paragraph.
-You used passive was only once good job!
tim
ReplyDeletegood paper but try not to say things like the u.s. did not have resapect for latin americans and i think you had a little bit of passive voice
ashley
ReplyDeleteyou have alot of passive voice and use more evidence