Each student is responsible for peer editing TWO blogssays.
All edits must be posted NO LATER than THURSDAY at 4:00 PM
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Ms. Eades
Teaching: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he/she wants to do it.
Peer edits for Peter P.
ReplyDeleteYou started off with a great thesis.
You need to answer more clearly on the question on how the foreign policies helped shape the modern United states.
Paragraph 1 sentence 4
change know to "known"
Paragraph 1 sentence 4
Turn it into two sentences. Put a period after peacemaker. Get rid of "while" and the comma.
Peer Edits for SoJung L
ReplyDeleteParagraph 1 Sentence 6
Explain why Wilson ordered U.S. Marine to occupy Veracruz.
Paragraph 1 Sentence 7
Change tired to "tried"
Paragraph 1 Last Sentence
Change mexican to "mexicans"
Paragraph 2 Sentence 2
Change peace to "peaceful"
Paragraph 2 Sentence 6
Change form to "from"
Use less Passive Voice.
You use the word "it" alot explain what "It" is.
Make your conclusion more clear. Summarize what your whole essay is about.
Alexis foreign policy paper
ReplyDelete"While Theodore Roosevelt helped other countries settle down their disagreements"- after your thesis
- just put "settle their disagreements", do this for all the times you use "settle down" just put settle, it sounds better
"Theodore Roosevelt took over Panama to be able to build the Panama Canal so that the U.S would be able to travel between the Atlantic and the Pacific Ocean."- 4th paragraph
- take out "to be able to"
- take out "that"
tim
ReplyDeletegood paper just watch out for grammer in your parargraphs. Like paragraph one you could use commas before but and try not to use something in paragraph three.
jose
ReplyDeletegood paper but the only thing bad thing is that you use a lot of passive voice. You use the words was and is a lot in your paper. try to replace them with verbs.
Alexis H.
ReplyDeleteWell written essay, except for a few minor adjustments. You have to be more specific when you say "many" for example:
"The foreign policy under Theodore Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson differ in many ways."
I would add in the end "such as" and then tell the reader the different ways. You also used only one passive voice word. Hit Ctrl+F to find the word "was" in your paper to change it. In the first sentence of your second paragraph, change shape into shaped. The word "president" should be "presidents"
Other than that, almost everything is perfect in your paper unless your second editor adds more mistakes.
Peer edit for Jose.
ReplyDeleteYou used alot of passive voice.
Watch out for the word "was".
You should have a more clear and definite thesis.
"...he got asked both the Russians..." Watch to see if your sentences make sense, and also watch your sentence structure. "The United States weren't so smart..." This doesn't make sense. Watch your capitilization as well as your spelling. Huerto did not refuse to step down. Use the word "It" very carefully. Compare the Foreign Policies. Explain how it shaped modern foreign poilicy.
Peer edit for Christine.
ReplyDeleteWatch your use of passive voice. You used were twice and was once. You may want to expand upon how both presidents shaped the modern U.S. foreign policy.
Peer edit for Lequietta:
ReplyDeletetry to do a little more.
And the sentence,"He placed segregationist in charge of federal things." try to specify the "things" like list what he did.
Peer edit for Maya:
ReplyDeleteAbout the Russo-japanese war:
"Since Russia refused Roosevelt gave them half of the island and money."
russia refused to give them the island but they got into a compromise and japan got half the island, no money , and manchuria.
i really liked the essay. it sounds good
Peer Edit for Ana
ReplyDelete-You need a better introduction.
-Watch passive voice.
-Elaborate more on your topics.
-Your last sentence is a hanging statement.
-You don't have a conclusion.
Peer Edit for Jose
ReplyDeleteThere are some wording mistakes that should be fixed. Like you put "between" in the fist sentence and "of" would go better. There are two paragraphs that you put together. "The second thing..." started were a new paragraph would be. You put the Panama Canal was ridiculous you did not mention why. You have a least one contraction in your 2nd paragraph type the whole words out. You also have some words that you need to capitalize.
Peer Edit for Jessenia
ReplyDeleteSome of wording in your second paragraph needs to be changed. You mis-spelled United States in the 2nd paragraph. You also put Wilson and the Panama Canal and it should be Roosevelt. Your introduction and conclusion were good.
Edit for Izzy
ReplyDeleteYour introduction is too short, and you should strengthen your thesis. In your second paragraph, first sentence, change helped to help.Cut your second sentence in paragraph two into two sentences. Your body paragraphs need more information. You provided very little support to your thesis.Your essay has good topics, but you need more details and to go over some grammar errors.
Peer Edit for Christine W.
ReplyDeleteGood essay you were on topic with everything. I would suggest on your essay is in the second sentence of your essay you have the word influence try putting a "D' at the end.
Also watch our for passive voice
Peer Edit for Jessenia
ReplyDeleteYour essay was really good.
A mistake i found was in your first paragraph you spelled today wrong.
Also in your second paragraph instead of saying Roosevelt got the name peacemaker.
You should say Rossevelt received the name peacemaker.
Also peacemaker is one word.
Watch out for passive voice.
Peer Edit for Andrew p
ReplyDeleteYou need to have information on what Woodrow WIlson did. Talk about what Wilson did in some of the Latin American countries.
For the second paragraph separate them into two paragraphs begin with "The Construction of the Panama Canal..."
Peer Edit for Kevin A
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph take out "one president" and "the other president". Just use Theodore Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson.
Great Essay!
Peer edit for Socrates
ReplyDeleteUsed passive voice "had"
Were there any similarities between Woodrow Wilson and Theodore Roosevelt? If so you should include it with your paper.
But it sounds good so far
Peer edit for Joanna
ReplyDeleteYou Should make a stronger thesis.
In the 1st paragraph "He also with the Panama canal and dollar diplomacy" this doesnt make sense.
"united states" should be capitalized.
In the 2nd paragraph "the dollar diplomacy used to justify kepping Europeans power out of the Carribeans" there is a spelling error.
In the 4th paragraph explain more and space out "will Power" and there is a spelling error "indfluence" just take out the "d".
Alfonzo
ReplyDelete-Your thesis is mixed in one big paragraph, have it in one sentence.
-Paragraph 2, line 5, "The Theodore Roosevelt..." Take out Theodore
-Summarize Roosevelt Corollary and "Missionary Diplomacy" in your own words.
SoJung L
ReplyDelete-Third line "different way" change to different ways
-Look over the wording, change it, a lot of small grammar mistakes and usage.
-Third paragraph, second sentence, " peace ways" change to peaceful ways.
Peer Edit for Christine
ReplyDeleteGreat essay!
-You used some passive voice.
-You could of expanded a little more on the presidents
-More examples on presidents.
Peer Edit for Anthony
ReplyDeleteGood job, but there were some mistakes.
- You said "Theodore Roosevelt became a peacemaker because of his noble peace prize on helping mediate Japan and Russia."
maybe you could of worded that differently Roosevelt got the Peace prize for helping mediate that war.
-You could of expanded more on the presidents and what they did.
-You had some passive voice
Peter's Essay
ReplyDelete-2nd Paragraph Second Sentence, Change “became know” as “became known”
-For third paragraph, you need to put information about Roosevelt’s foreign policy, so that you can compare between Roosevelt’s and Wilson’s foreign policy.
-The conclusion needs how they shaped (or affected) the United States.
Alfonso's Essay
ReplyDelete-Make sure to not using “be” verb; is, are, was, were
-You have adequate content and conclusion for supporting your opinion, but you need to have clear introduction. (The first Paragraph, it does not look like introduction, just the sentence, “Theodore Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson both had similar and different foreign policies” talks about your thesis)
Peer Edit for Izzy
ReplyDelete-You used passive voice.
-Don't use "things". Specify what they are.
-You need to add more detail to your sentences.
P.R. for Daniel
ReplyDeleteYou have great detailed sentences and lots of good information. Watch out for some passive voice and capitalization errors.
Amanda peer edit
ReplyDeleteYour paper is very strong, you put great detail into it. Just watch out for sentence structure and minor comma mistakes.
reword your first sentence nad second sentence in your first paragraph.
ReplyDeletetake out "things" in yoour third paragraph and explainwhat those "things" are.
forth paragraph take out "was more about" and put in "cared about fighting...."
last paragraph second sentence take out " was more" and reword it.
make sure you follow the rules of 'was, it, has been, were ect.'
Godd job.
Peer edit for Amanda H:
ReplyDelete“Roosevelt felt that the United States needed a canal cutting across Central America, providing a shortcut between the Atlantic and Pacific.”
We talked about this in class today, try not to say “he felt” because unless you talked to him personally you don’t know.
Also check your spelling. The grammar is pretty good, but the only misspelled word I saw was “forgein market” in your last paragraph.
Over all this essay is really good!
Peer edit for Izzy R:
ReplyDelete“They both had their different views on it”- you need to specify. Who is they? Views on what?
“Roosevelt also did something that was very important.” You don’t need this sentence, you can just say what he did.
“He also made things happen with the Mexican Revolution.”
What things did he make happen? Who made it happen?
These are just a couple sentences, but you have a lot more sentences in your essay that you can continue and elaborate on.
Peer edit for Amanda H:
“Roosevelt felt that the United States needed a canal cutting across Central America, providing a shortcut between the Atlantic and Pacific.”
We talked about this in class today, try not to say “he felt” because unless you talked to him personally you don’t know.
Also check your spelling. The grammar is pretty good, but the only misspelled word I saw was “forgein market” in your last paragraph.
Over all this essay is really good!
peer edit Anthony
ReplyDeleteTry to use some paragraphs and say some more about Wilson. Good job not using any passive voice.
Peer edit for Ashley R
ReplyDeleteIn your second sentence, it should be ways. In your first paragraph, you say Roosevelt became world leader. He was the president no the world leader.
Peer edit for Peter:
ReplyDeleteIn your thesis what type of things were they trying to maintain and keep control of?
Mention examples from the text that make him a peacemaker.
In the last paragraph what did he do that was unjust?
Overall very good essay just try not to generalize, give details.
Peer Edit: Josh Willis
ReplyDeleteReally good job on your essay, but be carful when your listing things such as problems. You need to make sure you have better detail.
Ex: "Even though Wilson and Roosevelt dealt with similar problems such as imperialism and revolutions, they had many differences such as the different diplomacies they issued and their main focuses at the time."
Try to use text from the book or other resources.
Great job!
Peer Edit for Alex C.
ReplyDeleteWhen you write your essay, watch out for the grammar. other than the grammar everything was really good.
Peer Edit for Maya
ReplyDeleteThe essay was really good just try to seperate your essay into paragraphs because your essay looks like one big paragraph.