The thesis can be a little bit better. The 2nd paragraph should be fixed somewhat. You can combine some of the sentences like, "Imperialism can cause major problems such as starting a war."
You could put more facts from the outline and book in the paper.
In the 2nd paragraph, write how long the Filipino-American war last, how much is costed, how many people from both countries died, and why the war was started.
Elaborate the 2nd sentence in the first paragraph, also on the 2nd paragraph "spirit of 1776." In the fifth sentence change "wanted" to something like "fought for and won."In the third paragraph, first sentence be more specific on whose "way of living." How did Imperialism cause wars. Combine fourth and fifth sentence from your third paragraph, and get rid of the sixth.
In the one sentence you use could of but you're supposed to use could have. Also the first sentence in your second paragraph didn't make sense the way you used the verb and the subject.
-Don't use "would", "should" on your essay. -Don't use Passive voice. -Use same tense on your whole Essay.(If you want to use present tense, then use present tense on your whole essay) -The Thesis should be more organized. -You need to have more informations on your bodies.(Esp, 2nd paragraph) -Use "Do not", "Does not" instead of "Don't, Doesn't)
Alexis H. Very well thought out essay. You need to avoid using passive voices and you have some grammar mistakes such as capitalization and punctuation. In one sentence in your essay, you have to say United States instead of united.
I really like your introduction, it captured my attention. However, the second and first paragraph do not transition so good. Add another sentence to make it flow smoothly. The third paragraph also transitions weird, otherwise i really like your essay. Good job!! =D
Amanda's Essay Your essay has lots of great detail, the only thing I would considered would be to make sure that your sentence flow is better. Like the sentence flow in paragraph one going into paragraph two.
-Use same tense on your whole essay -Use better word than "would", "should" (try to avoid those words) -The Essay need a conclusion. -The Essay needs more specific information for supporting your thesis.
Andrew P. You have a very good thought on your essay. There have been a few typing mistakes for example, "... purpose, naval base/ refueling station." Try to break up your huge paragraph into separate paragraphs.
Your first sentence can include more by stating why America became a world power, because of Imperialism. If you add the why your first sentence can serve as your thesis. Also you should include more details in your body paragraphs, don't be to brief. Remember you must strengthen your opinion as much as possible.
In the 1st paragraph, you stated that imperialism opened up markets. Can a belief open up markets? In the 3rd paragraph, take out the word "just" between Pearl Harbor and made, and also "a lot" and replace it with more. In the 4th parahgraph you used the word "just" again.
Daniel's Essay Avoid using passive voice, mostly in your second and third paragraphs passive voice is found. Your paragraph flow is great and the information is well thought of.
You just made a small mistake on the issue with China, the United States never wanted to control them. You should mention Cuba. Plus thy are some spelling mistakes but nothing big. Talk about Hawaii first then go on to the other Islands to avoid confusion.
This was a well constucted essay. Good thesis and watch the word is in the beginning of the essay. Nice job with not using passive voice.You really supported your argument with the evidence in your essay.
It's a solid paper all around but you have a few mistakes here and there. An example is that you said the economy gave America power, which is giving actions to an idea.
Thesis: 1. take out "on getting" and put in "by getting..." Second paragraph 1. second paragraph reword first sentence. 2. take out "was" and reword second sentence. 3. third sentence take out "didn't" and replace it with "wouldn't" 4. take out "even" and "the" in the forth sentence. third paragraph 1. take out "had" in second sentence 2. take out "had" in forth sentence 3. take out "have more chances" and replace it with "they got more chances.." Forth paragraph 1. take out "the" in first sentence 2. take out "was" in second sentence 3. put in "be" after "would" in third sentence 4. take out "had + of" in forth sentence and put in "and" before "looked on..." take out "Filipinos and were" Last paragraph 1. reword second sentence. "The United States doing a great..." doesn't make sense.
Peer edit: Tim You have a couple little word mistakes, like in the fist paragraph you might want to change the "to" to "of." Also in the second paragraph you put "then" instead of "them."
Peer Edit for Andrew P Watch the word they, be specific let us know who they are. Don't use the word like. You had good evidence and knew what you were talkin about so just watch they and you will be fine
Check grammar such as punctuations and spelling. In your thesis statement, you should include reasons why imperialism helped America become a world power. You can also add more detail, especially in your third paragraph.
Joanna! in your essay you have a few grammar mistakes and try to avoid "lumping" for example in your 3rd paragraph 1st sentence not all americans felt the U.S needed a canal and say it is the Panama canal because there are many other canals around the world. Try to combine your first paragraph with your second
July 4th 1776 (forgot to put in the 4th) Avoid using the word many, and watch yourself some times you needed to use a comma in your sentences. Make sure you watch yourself, you sometimes repeated ideas. But otherwise you did really well!
-Incorrect spelling in the first paragraph. -More information on Cuba, Puerto Rico, Guam, Hawaii, Wake, and Midways islands. -Go more in depth! -Over all well written.no passive voice was used at all good job!
1. you need to have a thesis. 2. In first paragraph take out "Imperialism has advantages as well as disadvantages." doesn't follow Ms. Eades golden rules.(make sure you read that before you begin to write your essay.) 3. Last sentence in first paragraph put in "by" and put "by expanding their...'
1. Unclear in the 3rd line about the country and name what country your talkin about. 2. the 4th line doesnt make sense. 3. Use more complex on vocabulary. 4. Explain more of how the country was affected.
1. in the 3rd paragraph it needs to be worded different where its "the United States..." 2. The last paragraph in the first line saying "have and you should changed that to having. 3. Used passive voice as, were, and was
Peer edit for jose Dont use "I"-First ans second paragraph. Dont Use "alot". Watch your sentence structure in paragraph two. Make sure your capitilization is correct.(China)
Watch for comma splices. Use commas for lists in paragraph two. Use the right form of their in paragraph two. Watch for passive voice.
Peer edit for christine. There is passive voice in your introduction (was). You might want to work on a stronger conclusion. When you type your paper the heading should be single spaced.
Lequitta's Imperialism Essay:
ReplyDeleteThe thesis can be a little bit better.
The 2nd paragraph should be fixed somewhat. You can combine some of the sentences like, "Imperialism can cause major problems such as starting a war."
Peer edited for SoJung Lee
ReplyDeleteYour thesis is well though of, but i would change some wording... The United States fully committed to imperialism which helped make one of the..
Reword the fifth sentence in the second paragraph. Don't say in conclusion.
kevin alonzo
ReplyDeletefirst paragraph, first sentence- use passive voice with is
second paragraph, first sentence- change "them" to Alaska
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteMaya's Imperialism Essay:
ReplyDeleteYou could put more facts from the outline and book in the paper.
In the 2nd paragraph, write how long the Filipino-American war last, how much is costed, how many people from both countries died, and why the war was started.
Ashley Hall's Imperialism Essay:
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence in the first paragraph need to re-worded. It doesn't make sense.
The first sentence in the 3rd paragraph needs to be re-worded as well.
Finally, the word "got" in the second sentence 3rd paragraph needs to be either changed to "received" or any other choice of words/
Peer edit for Jessenia.
ReplyDeleteElaborate the 2nd sentence in the first paragraph, also on the 2nd paragraph "spirit of 1776." In the fifth sentence change "wanted" to something like "fought for and won."In the third paragraph, first sentence be more specific on whose "way of living." How did Imperialism cause wars. Combine fourth and fifth sentence from your third paragraph, and get rid of the sixth.
Peer edit Ashley R.
ReplyDeleteIn the one sentence you use could of but you're supposed to use could have. Also the first sentence in your second paragraph didn't make sense the way you used the verb and the subject.
Izzy Rodriguez Peer Edit:
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence of your essay does not make sense.
In your first paragraph, third sentence, take out the word "even."
Spain's influence on what? The point you are trying to make is unclear. Make sure you are specific.
Watch your punctuation. Some of your sentences need commas.
Mix up your word choice. You use "help" throughout the entire essay, try to choose a different word instead.
Don't use "our navy". You weren't there at the time.
You used some passive words, such as "had."
Your conclusion needs work.
Peer edited for Peter P.
ReplyDeleteYou use the word "countries" alot explain what countries you are talking about.
ParaGraph 2 Sentence 2
The sentence is a fragment. Split it into two sentences.
Alfonso's Imperialism Essay:
ReplyDelete-Don't use "would", "should" on your essay.
-Don't use Passive voice.
-Use same tense on your whole Essay.(If you want to use present tense, then use present tense on your whole essay)
-The Thesis should be more organized.
-You need to have more informations on your bodies.(Esp, 2nd paragraph)
-Use "Do not", "Does not" instead of
"Don't, Doesn't)
Alexis H. Very well thought out essay. You need to avoid using passive voices and you have some grammar mistakes such as capitalization and punctuation. In one sentence in your essay, you have to say United States instead of united.
ReplyDeleteAndrew P
ReplyDeleteYou need to expand more your details because they are very short and you also need to turn your fist paragraph into smaller paragraphs.
Make sure not to use passive voice>
Kevin Alonzo's Imperialism Essay:
ReplyDeleteYou used "is" in the second sentence of your first paragraph.
Also in your 2nd paragraph 2nd sentence you put "American" instead of "America"
Peer Edit For Alex H.
ReplyDelete- Good details, strong opening paragraph
- Don't know exactly where you thesis is
- Nice explination, strong paper
Peer edit Anthony C.
ReplyDeleteIn your first paragraph where you put an example, that should be a new paragraph.You also use passive voice verbs in every one of your paragraphs.
Tim C
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph,second to last line you have a cliche.
Amanda's Imperialism Essay
ReplyDeleteI really like your introduction, it captured my attention. However, the second and first paragraph do not transition so good. Add another sentence to make it flow smoothly. The third paragraph also transitions weird, otherwise i really like your essay. Good job!! =D
Amanda's Essay
ReplyDeleteYour essay has lots of great detail, the only thing I would considered would be to make sure that your sentence flow is better. Like the sentence flow in paragraph one going into paragraph two.
Peer edited for Joshua Willis
ReplyDeleteYour thesis lacks information and detail. Add examples and reasons why you disagree with imperialism.
Don't refer to all Americans as a generalization. be specific.
Great detail and use of examples in the 2nd paragraph.
Peter's Imperialism Essay
ReplyDelete-Use same tense on your whole essay
-Use better word than "would", "should"
(try to avoid those words)
-The Essay need a conclusion.
-The Essay needs more specific information for supporting your thesis.
Peer edited for Alfonso M.
ReplyDeleteYour thesis statement is not clear. Have it in one sentence.
break up your introduction and second paragraph because they are in one paragraph.
There is not enough evidence supporting your thesis.
Your conclusion and last paragraph are mixed together.
Ashley Hall- imperialism essay
ReplyDeletethird paragraph, second- change "got" to recieved
third paragraph, third sentence- "that" to anti imperialism
Andrew P.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very good thought on your essay. There have been a few typing mistakes for example, "... purpose, naval base/ refueling station." Try to break up your huge paragraph into separate paragraphs.
Anthony for your essay
ReplyDelete1. Check your paragraphs
2. Watch out for passive voice
Izzy's Essay
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence can include more by stating why America became a world power, because of Imperialism. If you add the why your first sentence can serve as your thesis. Also you should include more details in your body paragraphs, don't be to brief. Remember you must strengthen your opinion as much as possible.
Nastasia's Imperialism Essay
ReplyDeleteIn the 1st paragraph, you stated that imperialism opened up markets. Can a belief open up markets? In the 3rd paragraph, take out the word "just" between Pearl Harbor and made, and also "a lot" and replace it with more. In the 4th parahgraph you used the word "just" again.
Daniel's Essay
ReplyDeleteAvoid using passive voice, mostly in your second and third paragraphs passive voice is found. Your paragraph flow is great and the information is well thought of.
Kevin A
ReplyDeleteGood details and a strong essay. Make sure you add one more paragraph because you on have four paragraphs.
Peer edit for Maya
ReplyDeleteYou just made a small mistake on the issue with China, the United States never wanted to control them. You should mention Cuba. Plus thy are some spelling mistakes but nothing big. Talk about Hawaii first then go on to the other Islands to avoid confusion.
Peer edit for Kevin
ReplyDeleteThis was a well constucted essay. Good thesis and watch the word is in the beginning of the essay. Nice job with not using passive voice.You really supported your argument with the evidence in your essay.
Peer Edit For Kevin A.
ReplyDelete- Watch Passive Voice
- overall strong paper
Daniel Franco Peer Edit:
ReplyDeleteWrite dates as July 4th, 1776
Don't use the word "many."
Reword your third sentence in the first paragraph.
You used passive voice in some of your sentences.
Watch your punctuation. Some of your sentences need commas.
In your first paragraph, sixth sentence, you incorrectly used the word "consumed."
Reword your third sentence in the second paragraph.
You're fourth sentence in the second paragraph is a repetition of your first sentence in the essay.
Stop using the word unjust. Change your words and become more expressive when describing a situation.
You repeated some of your ideas.
How did the U.S. know they would win the war? Could they see the future?
Your conclusion is a little weak.
Peer edit for Joanna
ReplyDeleteIt's a solid paper all around but you have a few mistakes here and there. An example is that you said the economy gave America power, which is giving actions to an idea.
Peer edited for Sojung L.
ReplyDeleteYou put United State throughout your paper but it should be United "States". Same for Americans you forget the "S" at the end.
Paragraph 1 sentence 3
The sentence is a fragment. Make it into two sentences.
Paragraph 2 Sentence 1
Explain what canal your are talking about dont just put canal.
Passive voice: You use the word "is" and "was" alot.
Joanna'S Imperialism Essay:
ReplyDeleteThe introduction should more than one sentence.
The third paragraph is not really a paragraph if it has only two sentences.
Alexandria C.
ReplyDeleteThesis:
1. take out "on getting" and put in "by getting..."
Second paragraph
1. second paragraph reword first sentence.
2. take out "was" and reword second sentence.
3. third sentence take out "didn't" and replace it with "wouldn't"
4. take out "even" and "the" in the forth sentence.
third paragraph
1. take out "had" in second sentence
2. take out "had" in forth sentence
3. take out "have more chances" and replace it with "they got more chances.."
Forth paragraph
1. take out "the" in first sentence
2. take out "was" in second sentence
3. put in "be" after "would" in third sentence
4. take out "had + of" in forth sentence and put in "and" before "looked on..." take out "Filipinos and were"
Last paragraph
1. reword second sentence. "The United States doing a great..." doesn't make sense.
good job!!
Peer edit: Tim
ReplyDeleteYou have a couple little word mistakes, like
in the fist paragraph you might want to change the "to" to "of." Also in the second paragraph you put "then" instead of "them."
Peer Edit for Andrew P
ReplyDeleteWatch the word they, be specific let us know who they are. Don't use the word like. You had good evidence and knew what you were talkin about so just watch they and you will be fine
Maya's Imperialism Essay:
ReplyDeleteWatch the spelling and punctuation in your essay. You do not have to use the U.S. a lot if you mentioned it already in the paragraph.
Peer edit for Izzy R:
ReplyDeleteCheck grammar such as punctuations and spelling.
In your thesis statement, you should include reasons why imperialism helped America become a world power. You can also add more detail, especially in your third paragraph.
Joanna's essay
ReplyDeleteJoanna! in your essay you have a few grammar mistakes and try to avoid "lumping" for example in your 3rd paragraph 1st sentence not all americans felt the U.S needed a canal and say it is the Panama canal because there are many other canals around the world. Try to combine your first paragraph with your second
Peer edit for Tim Carroll
ReplyDeleteYour essay was good everything about your paper was on topic
Daniel Franco peer edit:
ReplyDeleteJuly 4th 1776 (forgot to put in the 4th)
Avoid using the word many, and watch yourself some times you needed to use a comma in your sentences. Make sure you watch yourself, you sometimes repeated ideas. But otherwise you did really well!
Alexsandria's Imperialism Essay:
ReplyDeleteTry not to use passive voice in your essay such as: was
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletePeer edlit for Martell M
ReplyDeleteAvoid passive voice throughout the essay and avoid words like is, was and your essay will be good
Peer edit for Daniel F:
ReplyDeleteReally good essay
watch out for passive voice in your second and third paragraph.
Ashly R.
ReplyDeleteThesis statement is not clear. I can't make out what your main point of your essay is going to be. Good example using Hawaii.
-Incorrect spelling in the first paragraph.
ReplyDelete-More information on Cuba, Puerto Rico, Guam, Hawaii, Wake, and Midways islands.
-Go more in depth!
-Over all well written.no passive voice was used at all good job!
Socrates M.
ReplyDelete1. you need to have a thesis.
2. In first paragraph take out "Imperialism has advantages as well as disadvantages." doesn't follow Ms. Eades golden rules.(make sure you read that before you begin to write your essay.)
3. Last sentence in first paragraph put in "by" and put "by expanding their...'
good job!!
DANIEL F & Amanda H.
ReplyDeleteDates are written July 4, 1776 or 4 July 1776
ASHLEY R
ReplyDeleteWho's essay are you peer editing?
Peer edit for Lequietta.
ReplyDelete1. Unclear in the 3rd line about the country and name what country your talkin about.
2. the 4th line doesnt make sense.
3. Use more complex on vocabulary.
4. Explain more of how the country was affected.
Peer edit for Joanna.
ReplyDelete1. in the 3rd paragraph it needs to be worded different where its "the United States..."
2. The last paragraph in the first line saying "have and you should changed that to having.
3. Used passive voice as, were, and was
Peer edit for jose
ReplyDeleteDont use "I"-First ans second paragraph.
Dont Use "alot".
Watch your sentence structure in paragraph two.
Make sure your capitilization is correct.(China)
Watch for comma splices.
Use commas for lists in paragraph two.
Use the right form of their in paragraph two.
Watch for passive voice.
Peer edit for christine.
ReplyDeleteThere is passive voice in your introduction (was). You might want to work on a stronger conclusion. When you type your paper the heading should be single spaced.